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GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

November, 1991

by Kyle

Alive and Well

Last month I had the wonderful opportunity of attending Dr. Bernie Siegel's workshop Peace, Love and Healing. Mostly it was a wonderful opportunity because it was so very refreshing to hear about ""The Psychology of Illness and the ART of Healing," as the topic was titled, in the down-to-earth and openly conversational way that Bernie presented it. In fact, while the information was serious, the day itself was very lighthearted and filled with laughter, though there were times of tears, as well.

The point is that while death and disease, and AIDS especially, are very serious things it is vitally important that we approach them from a perspective of life and living. As Bernie puts it: "Don't do things to not die because you'll definitely be disappointed someday. Do things to live instead." So, how do we turn all this around? Subtle as it may seem this is a significant shift of perspective not only for each of us as individuals but for Western culture as a whole.

First, we look at the psychology of illness. Actually, I think that first we need to throw that term away and adopt something more honest like "Why am I sick or why do I have this problem?" The answer, according to Bernie, is that "Our personal history is stored in our bodies and someday it will present the bill." We need to look inside ourselves and search out all of the negative messages we have stored away over the years and polluted ourselves with. I am not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough. Individual messages from childhood, covert and overt abuse, whether you were beaten, incested, or simply always got the message that you were in the way or a "problem." Societal messages such as I

am unacceptable because I'm gay/lesbian and more importantly, lying beneath these societal messages is the judgment that how I love is wrong and I am not lovable. All of the prejudices and isms come into play here and we quietly heap them on ourselves in the hidden form of guilt and shame, low self-esteem, unworthiness, and undesirability. In our struggles to survive in this judgmental jungle we stuff all of this way down and deep inside and we pretend. We hide and hurt.

Hiding is painful. The stuff inside doesn't go away. How can it? We hide it so safely and securely sometimes even we can't find it, but it's there. It eats at us, constantly gnawing away and reminding us of all of those messages we received, and destroying us as unhappiness, as anger and resentment, as stress, and ultimately as disease.

ultimately

Now for the art of healing, also known as, self-empowerment, holistic healing, and personal growth, which I like to call learning how to really live. Thankfully learning how to really live is a little less nebulous than understanding why am I sick? Why do I have this problem? Learning how to really live happens in the here and now. today is what is most important and I can do that right now.

The first thing that Bernie recommends is to write out an "Application for Permission to Live." Yes, you sit down and you write yourself a letter telling why you want to live, what benefits you see in living and how you I would propose to go about living to best receive these benefits. Don't worry about who you're writing to or what committee and where will be evaluating it. Just write it.

Then take a good look at it and notice the difference between what you wrote, especially how you would do it, and how you

actually are living. Now, based on this, assume that your application has been accepted and hold yourself to it. Start living that way for those reasons. Every day.

A more situation-specific tool that I can personally guarantee you works, if you use it, is to ask yourself these questions and act on the answers:

1. Why do I need this problem? 2. How can I benefit from this? 3. What can this give me permission to do?

The most important point here is that in any given situation or problem ask yourself how you can benefit from it. Be positive. Be creative. Be willing. Take it and turn it around. Given that I have AIDS how can I benefit? I can take the opportunity to do things: travel, read, write, pursue a goal, that I've always wanted to do but have not let myself do or have been afraid to do.

Apply these questions to any situation and you will come out favorably ahead because you will have taken a problem and turned it into an opportunity, thereby solving and dismissing the problem.

I believe that this applies to the prejudices and isms as well. Take coming out of the closet for example. We're in it because of all the negative messages we have received and stored inside of us. The process then becomes much the same. It's about not accepting the prejudices of others but embracing the specialness of who and what you are and bonding with that. You can never feel good about being gay when you're hiding in the closet. When you step out, make friends, give yourself permission to love and be loved the way that's right for you, it will feel so right, so honest and freeing that the prejudices lose their power over you. None of this happens overnight I know, but it can happen every day. First, we have to give ourselves a chance. We have to say yes to ourselves and assertively turn a problem into an opportunity for us and one by one, little by little, day by day rid ourselves of the negative messages.

We all seem to like to ask why good things

don't happen to us or why do we have to have this problem. The answer is that we're so busy paying attention to the negative or the problem that we leave no room for the positive or the solution. We don't have to have this problem. We will until we turn it around. So don't invest in it. Invest in the solution. I am a gay HIV positive, codependent, adult child, alcoholic, and i could very easily find reason in all of that to give up and do myself in. As I have embraced these they no longer stand in my way; in fact, they have become some of my greatest assets, each a stair to step on and beyond as I continue growing and healing.

AIDS is an even more expressive example. I have seen many persons with AIDS with active illness and pain living more happily and more fully than perfectly healthy people I know and than myself for that matter, because they have seized the opportunity and given themselves permission to live each and every day as fully and wonderfully as possible. Believe me, they are not dying. Not for one minute. They're living all the way.

Healing is empowerment because it's all about choice. I cannot change yesterday but I always have the choice to change today. I can choose to live with the problem but the prob lem will always be there, the psychology of illness, remember, and I will be limited by it orl can choose the opportunity to live in the solution, the art of healing, and the problem won't be a problem anymore. You decide.

For copies of worksheets from Bernic Siegel's workshop or information on AIDS, self empowerment and holistic healing, stop by or call The Living Room, 1410 W. 29th St., Cleveland, 522-1998, Monday-Friday, 3:00-8:00p.m. ▼

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Thursday, November 7, 1991 Gay People's Chronicle Office 2206 West Superior Viaduct▾ 1st Floor

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